Kid Cuisine Chicken Nuggets

19 Jun

Ah childhood memories…
I still remember being 6 years old, sitting in the living room watching The Simpsons (back when it was good) on UPN 44 and eating my Kid Cuisine without a care in the world. I actually liked these things, so either I was stupid or didn’t develop any taste buds until I hit puberty the next year, because these things are pretty fucking awful.

Seriously, when I popped it in the microwave for this review, I knew it would be bad, but nothing could have prepared me for just how terrible it was…

Where to begin? The nuggets taste like dry little cardboard turds coated in batter, the pudding is shit, the corn is soggy and do I even need to say anything about that macaroni? LOOK AT IT.

That’s exactly what it tastes like.

Also, after heating it for a minute you’re suppose to stir the mac and cheese, so I tried but it was still frozen and a chunk broke off and bounced over into that shitty pudding and it splashed all over me, goddammit. I can’t believe they have the balls to call this ‘Kid Cuisine’. Calling this garbage “Cuisine” is like calling the Black Eyed Peas “music”. What a joke.

The best part of the entire meal was when I barfed it back up and got a taste of the sandwich I had earlier, which was delicious.

Bottom line: Kid Cuisine is barely food and it tastes like shame and old cardboard. Unless you get off on punishing your stomach I suggest you pass on this blue box of despair and get something better, like the Café Steamers: Grilled Chicken Marinara!

Fuck you Kid Cousine.

-17 out of 10 stars.


Quiznos’ Chicken Carbonara

20 May

There are some people out there who don’t like Quiznos (namely everybody), but I like it, or rather I usually enjoy their toasted Chicken Carbonara. It’s the only sandwich I’ve ever had from there, despite the fact that I’ve been eating at Quiznos regularly since 2005. That’s actually pretty bad now that I think about it…

So, if I’ve eaten two large Chicken Carbonaras each month for a little over 6 years, by my math that means I’ve eaten 3000 of them by now. Amazing. That’s enough sandwiches to feed the entire population of Africa for 5 months, though they probably wouldn’t eat them anyway, since everybody hates Quiznos.

My point is that while Quiznos apparently sucks, at least their Chicken Carbonara is still pretty good (unless it’s made by that stupid girl who always throws on too much bacon and not enough sauce or mushrooms, that bitch), and since I had Quiznos again tonight (suck it, Africa), here is my review:

It was pretty good.

I got a foot-long on Italian bread, and it comes with chicken, bacon, mozzarella, sautéed mushrooms, and ‘Creamy Bacon Alfredo Sauce’. The sandwich tasted great, but while I was chewing I bit my tongue really hard, so fuck it.


PB&J: A Meatless Champion

17 May

There are many types of sandwiches in this world, from the classic sub to the 8 ft sub, and nearly all of them have one thing in common: meat. Meat makes the sandwich.
Eating a sandwich without meat is like having sex with a girl who keeps her bra on: still pretty awesome, but really, what’s the point?

That being said, there are still three sandwiches out there that manage to be amazing without the aide of meat. They are the grilled cheese, the ice cream sandwich, and the peanut butter and jelly (PB&J). This review is for the latter, but first…

How to make a PB&J

What you will need:
1) Bread-Something good (not Wonderbread)
2) Chunky peanut butter-Only chumps use creamy
3) Jam/Jelly-Unless you’re someone’s grandmother, in which case marmalade will also do the trick

Using a knife, spread the peanut butter on one slice of bread, and the jelly on another. Then smoosh the two slices together, cut the sandwich in half and voilà; you’re ready to party.

Pro Tip: PB&J’s taste even better toasted, but be sure to get your parents permission before using the toaster, or you might get yelled at like I did.


Now, as I stated at the top of this article, the PB&J is one of the few legitimate sandwiches out there that don’t usually feature meat. I say ‘don’t usually’ because as I was preparing my sandwich for this review, an idea struck me:

Why not ?

I call it the PB&J&B
The second B is for Beef.

I just finished eating it, and well, despite the handsome efforts of the chef, the sandwich was pretty lame. The natural flavor of the roast beef was overpowered by the sweetness of the jam, and the new meaty texture took away from the satisfying crunch of the peanut butter. All in all, I’d say the PB&J&B was kind of like having sex with an old lady: not very good, but unfortunately, still not as awful as you hoped it would be.

I give it 4 out of 10 stars up.

Further thoughts: Why can’t I get a PB&J at Togos, Subway or any other supposed sandwich place? It’s bullshit.

Café Steamers: Grilled Chicken Marinara

15 May

These things are fuckin’ bomb. I would happily push your grandmother in front of a steamroller for one of these, even if I didn’t need to.
They taste awesome and are super easy to prepare (‘easy’ being the premium word when it comes to cooking): all you do is take it out of the cardboard holder thing and put it in the microwave for 4 minutes. Then remove the plastic thing and take the bowl thing and pour the stuff into the other bowl and stir and whatever dammit it’s delicious.
The chicken is juicy, the noodles aren’t chewy/mushy and the sauce tastes great. This is the perfect light lunch. -Unless you’re a dumbass and you over steam it…
Whatever mad scientist invented this microwaveable steaming contraption deserves a medal, and a hug.

I give this 5 out of 5 stars.