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Lean Pockets: Garlic Chicken White Pizza

30 Apr

Keep Zach awayThese things are pretty good when you’re drunk. The other night I drank half a bottle of Sailor Jerry’s way too quickly and the rest is still kind of blurry. One thing I unfortunately do remember is that around 2 or 3 in the morning I got hungry and decided to pop one of these babies into the microwave. I managed to take it out and cut it up on a plate (so it would cool faster) without incident, but when I got back to my room I must have stumbled and dropped the plate on the ground and immediately forgot about it, because it sat there upside-down on my floor for about an hour. When I finally looked down from my bed and saw/remembered that I had dropped my snack, I was still wasted enough to pick up the pieces and eat them, cold, off the floor, like David Hasselhoff. Disgustingly drunk or not, they were still pretty good.

When cooked just right, the Lean Pocket is as good as it looks on the box, with tender garlic chicken in a thick mozzarella wrapped inside a crisp, crunchy crust. Occasionally you might get a chewy cardboard-type crust (particularly at the ends, which are always the weakest bits of any microwave treat), but the taste of the chicken is always good. Or rather, you don’t feel like you’re killing yourself slowly with each bite. Just some of the bites.

I give it 4 out of 6 stars.


Steak Sucks

15 Feb

I love meat, but I really don’t give a shit about steak, and for some reason that seems to shock a lot of people. Even vegans think I’m a pussy for not liking steak, but that’s just the way it is. I don’t get what’s so great about it. Maybe I’ve never had one cooked right or something, but it’s usually just too chewy and then there’s gristle on one side that you have to cut around and AHH forget it. Too much work.
It seems like every time I go out to eat with fellow bearded, red-blooded males, I always get some sermon about how “THIS PLACE MAKES THE BEST STEAK BRO YOU GOTTA TRY IT IT’S HUUUUUGE MY DUDE“. No thanks. Be it as a main course, or just in my quesadilla, I’ll order chicken every time. Hell, I’d even take some salmon over steak, and as we all know…

Sometimes a Philly Cheese Steak is pretty good, but I think that’s mostly because of the melted cheese and sauteed mushrooms they pile on. The steak itself just makes the whole thing annoyingly tough. Plus just the term “Cheese steak” makes me feel constipated.

So yeah, fuck steak. It’s not worth the hassle. When it comes to cow, just give me a burger and some beef jerky.

Damn I want a chicken quesadilla.

Cereal Review

16 Jan

I’m hungry and really bored, so I’m just going to review all the cereal I find in my cupboard.

Honey Bunches of Oats
This stuff is pretty delicious, but it gets soggy way too fast. Once you pour in the milk it’s like a race against time.

Crispix is pointless, and eating it is duller than Amish sex. I’d rather have someone fart in my mouth than eat a bowl of Crispix. At least the fart would have some flavor.

Lucky Charms
For being diabetes in a bowl, Lucky Charms is pretty good. Only problem? THEY’RE LIARS.

The jingle goes “Hearts, stars and horse shoes, clovers and blue moons, pots of gold and rainbows, and me red balloons!”, but next time you eat Lucky Charms, look closer at the marshmallows:
That’s not a clover, that’s a top hat with a clover printed on it! What the hell, LC? I can’t go around saying I have thousands of dollars just because I’m wearing money print boxers, so this clover top hat shit doesn’t fly. Plus, they’re not even Irish!
Have fun burning in Hell, you frauds.

Fruity Pebbles
Makes your poop green, what’s not to love?

Apple Jacks
Apple Jacks are alright, but the commercials piss me off. It’s always a bunch of kids sitting around eating Apple Jacks when some asshole comes over and starts bitching about how they don’t really taste like apples, so WHY do the kids still eat them!!??

…because they taste good?

It annoys me that none of the kids ever point out that “it doesn’t taste like apples” isn’t a very solid argument for why you shouldn’t eat something. For example, here’s a short list of some other tasty things which also don’t taste like apples: Chocolate, roast beef, peanut butter, my balls.

Now, if the complaint was that the cereal has a misleading title, I could get behind that, but that’s never the point. The guy just can’t seem to understand why kids like this cereal.
-Because he is a moron.

Life Cereal
What an ugly bastard.

Life Cereal wouldn’t be half bad if they’d just stop putting such homely kids on their boxes. Seriously, how is that kid a model? He looks like he’s on meth.

I, on the other hand, was damn sexy as a kid. If Life had put my face on their boxes, they would have a sold a lot more cereal. No woman walking down the aisle could resist the smooth intensity of that smoulder…
Come get some, ladies.

Forget cereal, I’m just going to make a sandwich.

Dammit! (Cereal)

9 Aug

I just walked all the way to Safeway to buy a single box of cereal. There’s none in my house, and as a 22 year old slacker, I need cereal. Cereal and Ramen noodles are basically how I survive. For the past few days I’ve been badly craving a bowl of Raisin Bran Crunch, until tonight I just couldn’t take it anymore and decided to go buy some.
I’m a fast walker, so walking to Safeway and back would usually take no more than about 30-40 minutes. However, last week I hurt my ankle and so now the longer I walk on it the more it hurts. Because of this, it took me twice as long to get there and even longer to get back. When I did get there I had to wait in a huge line of stinky people, which annoyed me because it was like 11 at night (why were they there?), I was sweaty from walking and all I had was a single box of cereal, since that’s all I could afford. It was bullshit.

Finally, after 30 minutes of limping back home with my prize I got into some clean clothes and went into the kitchen to pour my bowl of glory when FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.
I accidentally got Raisin Bran instead of the superior Raisin Bran Crunch. I couldn’t have been more devastated.
I know there are kids starving in other countries right now, but keep in mind that they’ve never tasted delicious cereal, they just eat rice and dirty water probably. So, unlike me, who loves Raisin Bran Crunch, they don’t know what they’re missing, so it’s actually worse for me when you think about it.

There’s nothing to do now but eat this box of crap and wait a few days till I can go back and get the right stuff, dammit.

Out of milk.

5 Jul


I just poured myself a big bowl of beautiful cereal, only to learn all too late that we’re out of milk. I hate when this shit happens. Why is there no milk? Somebody should have gone out earlier and made sure we had plenty of 2% in the fridge, the lazy assholes. I would have gone, but I was too busy sleeping all day.

This blows. Now I either have to eat my cereal dry like some half-Hawaiian deviant commoner or listen to Craig’s dad and “put some water on that damn shit.”

The problem is I’ve tried this but it just erases the flavor and makes the cereal truly awful. Nope, all good hearted people know that to eat cereal you need milk. They also know that the proper way to pour your bowl is cereal first, milk second. However, I’ve recently learned that there is a certain girl (terrorist) I know who pours the milk first and the cereal second, making a mockery of the whole meal.

To hell with it, I’ll just have ice cream for breakfast. This is bullshit. I bet they never run out of milk in Christina Hendricks’ house…

Choco Tacos

27 Jun

Aside from big hats, piñatas and Salma Hayek’s cleavage, tacos (and burritos) are undoubtedly the best thing to ever come from Mexico, and while an ordinary taco is already pretty rad, a taco made out of ice cream is just fucking amazing. It’s like a gun made out of swords, or a Tyrannosaurus Rex made out of Choco Tacos.

While Choco Tacos are not the holy grail of ice cream snacks by any means, they are still delicious and I’ve been craving one ever since last week’s heat spike. Unfortunately for me, the local ice cream dealers don’t carry Choco Tacos as did the trucks of my childhood, so unless I walk a few miles to Safeway, I’m shit out of luck.

But oh, just thinking about that crunchy chocolate shell and the smooth vanilla…actually, nevermind.
I’m not craving Choco Tacos anymore. Now I’m craving one of those badass wrestler bars I used to get as a boy.

Those things were great, unless you got Kurt Angle or some other shitty wrestler nobody cares about. As long as you got “Macho Man” Randy Savage or the Undertaker etc, the wrestler bars were the best thing in the world.
-Also those Ninja Turtle/Super Mario heads with the gumballs for eyes…dammit. Why can’t my local ice cream dealers get any of the good shit!?

Bad Sandwich-Worse Beef Steak

26 Jun

As punishment for laughing at a Tracy Morgan joke earlier today, I am now going to make and eat a bad sandwich. Nothing too fancy, just a simple, bad sandwich. If you’re weird or perverted and want to make one at home, here’s what you’ll need;

1) Bread (duh)
2) Peanut butter
3) Hot Sauce my brother stole from Chili’s
4) Mint Jelly
5) Bananas
6) Tuna fish

The Pepto is optional.

Step 1
Spread the peanut butter on one slice of bread, then add a layer of thinly sliced bananas on top.

So far so good.

Step 2
Once you’ve spread the mint jelly on the opposite slice, dump a can of tuna onto the bananas.

(When handling the tuna, be careful not to get lost in the lusty gaze of the Chicken of the Sea mermaid…)

Step 3

Lastly, cover the tuna with the hot sauce (I used Tabasco and Cholula sauce). Then close it up and serve;

Bon Appétit


Well, simply put, it tastes pretty bad. Not much else to say. It just tastes like Tabasco sauce with shitty mint jelly and occasionally you get a crunch from the peanut butter, but other than that it’s just tasteless mush and hot sauce. What a disappointment.

Since I can’t really think of anything else to say about this waste of energy, I’ll just bitch about Jack Link’s Peppered Beef Steaks.

Damn these things are disgusting. I tried to eat one the other day but gave up after just a few bites. It was like eating a salty, peppery, over processed piece of shit. If the garbage under my bed is any indication, I love beef jerky;

-Jack Link’s included. But this beef steak thing was just horrible. I almost wonder if I ate a particularly bad one or something, because if they all taste like this then I just don’t understand.
Who are the people who like these things? If they like the taste of shit so much why don’t they just take a dump in a bowl and eat that? Save some money. Add some pepper and it probably tastes about the same.

2/12 for the Mint/Peanut butter/Tuna/Banana/Hot Sauce Sandwich and 0/20 for Jack Link’s Peppered Beef Steak.