Archive | January, 2012

Cereal Review

16 Jan

I’m hungry and really bored, so I’m just going to review all the cereal I find in my cupboard.

Honey Bunches of Oats
This stuff is pretty delicious, but it gets soggy way too fast. Once you pour in the milk it’s like a race against time.

Crispix is pointless, and eating it is duller than Amish sex. I’d rather have someone fart in my mouth than eat a bowl of Crispix. At least the fart would have some flavor.

Lucky Charms
For being diabetes in a bowl, Lucky Charms is pretty good. Only problem? THEY’RE LIARS.

The jingle goes “Hearts, stars and horse shoes, clovers and blue moons, pots of gold and rainbows, and me red balloons!”, but next time you eat Lucky Charms, look closer at the marshmallows:
That’s not a clover, that’s a top hat with a clover printed on it! What the hell, LC? I can’t go around saying I have thousands of dollars just because I’m wearing money print boxers, so this clover top hat shit doesn’t fly. Plus, they’re not even Irish!
Have fun burning in Hell, you frauds.

Fruity Pebbles
Makes your poop green, what’s not to love?

Apple Jacks
Apple Jacks are alright, but the commercials piss me off. It’s always a bunch of kids sitting around eating Apple Jacks when some asshole comes over and starts bitching about how they don’t really taste like apples, so WHY do the kids still eat them!!??

…because they taste good?

It annoys me that none of the kids ever point out that “it doesn’t taste like apples” isn’t a very solid argument for why you shouldn’t eat something. For example, here’s a short list of some other tasty things which also don’t taste like apples: Chocolate, roast beef, peanut butter, my balls.

Now, if the complaint was that the cereal has a misleading title, I could get behind that, but that’s never the point. The guy just can’t seem to understand why kids like this cereal.
-Because he is a moron.

Life Cereal
What an ugly bastard.

Life Cereal wouldn’t be half bad if they’d just stop putting such homely kids on their boxes. Seriously, how is that kid a model? He looks like he’s on meth.

I, on the other hand, was damn sexy as a kid. If Life had put my face on their boxes, they would have a sold a lot more cereal. No woman walking down the aisle could resist the smooth intensity of that smoulder…
Come get some, ladies.

Forget cereal, I’m just going to make a sandwich.