Archive | June, 2011

Choco Tacos

27 Jun


Aside from big hats, piñatas and Salma Hayek’s cleavage, tacos (and burritos) are undoubtedly the best thing to ever come from Mexico, and while an ordinary taco is already pretty rad, a taco made out of ice cream is just fucking amazing. It’s like a gun made out of swords, or a Tyrannosaurus Rex made out of Choco Tacos.

While Choco Tacos are not the holy grail of ice cream snacks by any means, they are still delicious and I’ve been craving one ever since last week’s heat spike. Unfortunately for me, the local ice cream dealers don’t carry Choco Tacos as did the trucks of my childhood, so unless I walk a few miles to Safeway, I’m shit out of luck.

But oh, just thinking about that crunchy chocolate shell and the smooth vanilla…actually, nevermind.
I’m not craving Choco Tacos anymore. Now I’m craving one of those badass wrestler bars I used to get as a boy.

Those things were great, unless you got Kurt Angle or some other shitty wrestler nobody cares about. As long as you got “Macho Man” Randy Savage or the Undertaker etc, the wrestler bars were the best thing in the world.
-Also those Ninja Turtle/Super Mario heads with the gumballs for eyes…dammit. Why can’t my local ice cream dealers get any of the good shit!?
WWWHHHYYYY??????????

Bad Sandwich-Worse Beef Steak

26 Jun

As punishment for laughing at a Tracy Morgan joke earlier today, I am now going to make and eat a bad sandwich. Nothing too fancy, just a simple, bad sandwich. If you’re weird or perverted and want to make one at home, here’s what you’ll need;

1) Bread (duh)
2) Peanut butter
3) Hot Sauce my brother stole from Chili’s
4) Mint Jelly
5) Bananas
6) Tuna fish

The Pepto is optional.

Step 1
Spread the peanut butter on one slice of bread, then add a layer of thinly sliced bananas on top.

So far so good.

Step 2
Once you’ve spread the mint jelly on the opposite slice, dump a can of tuna onto the bananas.

(When handling the tuna, be careful not to get lost in the lusty gaze of the Chicken of the Sea mermaid…)

Step 3

Lastly, cover the tuna with the hot sauce (I used Tabasco and Cholula sauce). Then close it up and serve;

Bon Appétit

REVIEW

Well, simply put, it tastes pretty bad. Not much else to say. It just tastes like Tabasco sauce with shitty mint jelly and occasionally you get a crunch from the peanut butter, but other than that it’s just tasteless mush and hot sauce. What a disappointment.

Since I can’t really think of anything else to say about this waste of energy, I’ll just bitch about Jack Link’s Peppered Beef Steaks.

Damn these things are disgusting. I tried to eat one the other day but gave up after just a few bites. It was like eating a salty, peppery, over processed piece of shit. If the garbage under my bed is any indication, I love beef jerky;

-Jack Link’s included. But this beef steak thing was just horrible. I almost wonder if I ate a particularly bad one or something, because if they all taste like this then I just don’t understand.
Who are the people who like these things? If they like the taste of shit so much why don’t they just take a dump in a bowl and eat that? Save some money. Add some pepper and it probably tastes about the same.

2/12 for the Mint/Peanut butter/Tuna/Banana/Hot Sauce Sandwich and 0/20 for Jack Link’s Peppered Beef Steak.

Kid Cuisine Chicken Nuggets

19 Jun

Ah childhood memories…
I still remember being 6 years old, sitting in the living room watching The Simpsons (back when it was good) on UPN 44 and eating my Kid Cuisine without a care in the world. I actually liked these things, so either I was stupid or didn’t develop any taste buds until I hit puberty the next year, because these things are pretty fucking awful.

Seriously, when I popped it in the microwave for this review, I knew it would be bad, but nothing could have prepared me for just how terrible it was…

Where to begin? The nuggets taste like dry little cardboard turds coated in batter, the pudding is shit, the corn is soggy and do I even need to say anything about that macaroni? LOOK AT IT.

That’s exactly what it tastes like.

Also, after heating it for a minute you’re suppose to stir the mac and cheese, so I tried but it was still frozen and a chunk broke off and bounced over into that shitty pudding and it splashed all over me, goddammit. I can’t believe they have the balls to call this ‘Kid Cuisine’. Calling this garbage “Cuisine” is like calling the Black Eyed Peas “music”. What a joke.

The best part of the entire meal was when I barfed it back up and got a taste of the sandwich I had earlier, which was delicious.

Bottom line: Kid Cuisine is barely food and it tastes like shame and old cardboard. Unless you get off on punishing your stomach I suggest you pass on this blue box of despair and get something better, like the Café Steamers: Grilled Chicken Marinara!

Fuck you Kid Cousine.


-17 out of 10 stars.